Reader Ken Barr writes:

U. S. AND RUSSIA ANNOUNCE NEW JOINT CURRENCY

Washington DC and Moscow Russia, April 1, 2017 (API)

United States Treasury Secretary Stvn Mnchn and Russian Finance Minister Igor Lyinhisazov jointly announced this morning a new currency to replace the United States dollar and the Russian ruble ininternational finance.

It will be named the "dolble" in the United States and the "rublar" in Russia, and will, according to Mnchn and Lyinhisazov, combine all of the positive features of eachcurrency, and eliminate all the negative features of each currency as well. It is intended to compete directly with Far Eastern currencies such as the Chinese yuan, the Japanese yen, the South Koreanyin and the North Korean yang. "The dolble will be a strong currency," proclaimed Mnchn, "backed by the full faith and credit of the United States, as well as the full faith of Russia,or whatever they are calling themselves this decade. Since Russia has no credit in the international markets, it will be be backed by faith alone there." "However," added Lyinhisazov,"the Russian people do produce a large amount of vodka, polonium 'cocktails' and nuclear missiles, so we expect our faith to be trusted. We reserve the right to turn any disbelievingcountry into a glowing smoking crater uninhabitable for thousands of years." The dolble/rublar is expected to be a stable currency, largely unaffected by trade balances and inflation, due to thesteadying influences of the Federal Reserve System in the United States and the Friends of Putin Society in Russia.

Mnchn announced plans to eliminate the lower denominations of the dolble/rublar, namely the one, two, five and ten dolble/rublar notes. "President Trump doesn't think anything worth lessthan twenty dolbles is worth buying, so there is no need for these notes. As a concession to public transit, he will allow a one dolble coin to be produced, featuring vanquished opponent HillaryClinton on the obverse and former Russian Federation / USSR / CIS / whatevertheycalleditbackthen President Boris Yeltsin on the reverse. It will inevitably be described as "as worthless asHillary" in the United States and "as useless as Buymeadrink Yeltsin" in Russia. ", Mnchn predicted.

The designs of the new banknotes will also be changed dramatically. The new twenty dolble/rublar note will feature dual portraits of George Washington and Vladimir Lenin, the respective"fathers" of the United States and Russia on the face, with a large "TWENTY / ENTY-TWAY" on the back, along with a new crimson red color. These 'redbacks' are expected tobe quite popular compared to the old 'greenbacks' according to Lyinhisazov. "After all," he added, "red is the color of the setting sun, while green is the color of moldycheese. Which would you rather have in your pocket?" Mnchn quickly disputed Lyinhisazov's claims, pointing out that red is also the color of blood, while green is the color of lima beans,and if he was picking something to eat for dinner, lima beans would easily win out over blood.

The fifty dolble/rublar denomination will be eliminated, while the new hundred dolble/rublar note will feature dual portraits of, according to Mnchn, "Donald Trump's beautiful, sexy,intelligent, sexy, talented, sexy daughter Ivanka Trump and Vladimir Putin's daughter Yeoxerina Putin." A new thousand dolble/rublar note will feature dual portraits of, again according toMnchn, "Donald Trump's handsome, sexy, talented, sexy, genius, sexy son Donald Junior as well as Vladimir Putin's son Garbajescow Putin." A new million dolble/rublar note willfeature dual portraits of, according to Mnchn, "Donald Trump's sexy, attractive, sexy, beautiful, sexy, imported wife Melania, as well as Vladimir Putin's ex-wife LyudimungousPutin." A new billion dolble/rublar note is also planned, featuring dual portraits of Berkshire Hathaway chairman Warren Buffet and exiled Russian billionaire oil magnate Mikhail Khodorkovsky,"in case Melania wants to buy a lamp or a new coat rack for the White House.", Mnchn announced

But by far the most impactful item on the agenda is the issuance of a trillion dolble/rublar note, featuring portraits of esteemed U. S. President Ronald Reagan and esteemed Russian PresidentMikhail Gorbachev. According to Mnchn, President Trump plans to print twenty-five of these notes, then send his son-in-law Jared Kushner to meet Chinese Premier Le Keqiang shortly thereafter. Kushneris to present nineteen of these notes to the Premier and say "Here ya go, pal, we're buying our country back" The remaining six notes will be retained by Trump in the White House safein case he wants to buy a country like Sweden, or Finland, or some other cold place to exile his ex-wives and political opponents. Alternatively, he may want to buy someplace warm like Fiji or Kenyain order to have a place to send those journalists who, according to Mnchn, "get too close to the truth, if you know what I mean."

The stock and bond markets, being closed for the weekend, had no reaction. It is expected that Proctor & Gamble (NYSE: PG), the manufacturer of Pepto-Bismol, will have a tremendous gain onMonday.