Ken Barr writes:

Major New Hoard Discovered In Northern California

(April 1, 2014) (API) (East Tiburon, California) An amazing new coin hoard has been discovered in Northern California according to noted expert Nod Nigak of the website Coins, Stamps and Stuff Inc. (http://www.coinsstampsandstuffinc.com).

A couple walking their ferret in the town of North San Francisco reportedly tripped over two jars protruding from a dirt path in the Platinum Portal Park area. One jar, according to Nigak, was "stuffed to the gills with 1943 pennies, probably about 1,000 of them." "I looked it up on the Interweb", Nigak proclaimed, "and these coins are worth up to $1,000,000 each. That's potentially a billion dollars in that one jar! They're mostly rusty, though, so I have them soaking in a tub of WD-40. Once I take them out and scrub them up, they might only be worth $500,000 each, so that billion is probably an optimistic estimate."

The other jar contained what Nigak described as "ancient Bitcoins", about a hundred of them. "The front shows a portrait of Bitcoin inventor Satoshi Nakamoto, the motto 'In Electrons We Trust' and the letters MMXI, which I'm told is a secret unbreakable computer programmer code that indicates the year the coin was struck. The back shows a mountain with stars around it, like the Paramount logo, but ...", Nigak added breathlessly, "the mountain is Mt. Gox, not Mt. Fuji!".

Strangely, according to Nigak, the only denomination on the coins is a large "5" in the center of Mt. Gox. "I don't know if this means it's a five bitcent coin, or a five bitdollar coin", he admitted. "I think I'll have to take it to the local bitgrocery store, pick up a five bitcent cigar, lay the cigar and the coin on the counter and see what happens. If the merchant hands me the cigar and says 'Thanks!" then I'll know it's a five bitcent coin. But if he gives me B$4.95 in change, I'll know it's a five bitdollar coin. My great-great-great-great-granduncle Josh Mutat did something similar over a hundred years ago to figure out if his coins were nickels or five dollar gold pieces."

The physical Bitcoins, introduced several months before their electronic counterparts, are highly coveted by both numismatists (coin collectors) and abacudariasts (computer memorabilia collectors). In the right auction, Nigak estimates that these coins could sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars each. The couple is still debating which venue to use to sell the coins, with coinsstampsandstuffauctions.com and Fast Eddie's Noomismatic Emporium (fene.com) currently the top contenders.

Nigak, a world-renowned expert on insects, admits that coins are not his forte. "I'm an entomologist, or is it an etymologist? I never remember which one deals with bugs and which one deals with words. In either case, I'm a bug guy. But I did consult with our fishing collectibles expert, Peter Pike, and he concurs with my assessments in this case."

The couple, who asked to be called Filliam Werguson and Fatalie Nerguson in order to protect their privacy, are also still debating the official name of the hoard. Filliam reportedly favors The Farry Herguson Hoard in honor of their ferret, while Fatalie reportedly favors The Oh C&#% I Just Tripped Over A Jar Hoard. Interested readers of this article are encouraged to make their preferences known at the NameThatHoard.com website.

In the meantime, the Internal Revenue Service has presented the couple with a tax bill for $565 million based on the expert appraisal by Nigak. "We expect our money by Friday," IRS executive Leuten Pillege explained, "and the payment has to be in cold hard US dollars, not in pennies or Bitcoins!" The State of Kaleefornia is expected to also assess the couple in the amount of $50 million or so. State Franchise Tax Board spokesperson Mary Jane Duby told reporters that she would get back to them with a final amount once she has completed a "medical treatment and a Twinkie binge".

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Coins, Stamps and Stuff, Inc. (CSSI) is a subsidiary of Hobbytownworld (HTW), a publicly-traded company listed on the Uranus Stock Exchange. Forward looking statements are pretty much just wild guesses, and should not be believed any more than the Tooth Fairy or phrases like "consistent returns above the market average". Your Mileage May Vary. Contents may have settled during shipment. Void where prohibited, and in Vermont because we hate maple syrup.

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